Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Graduation Day Feb. 24,2010

 
THANK YOU JESUS THIS DAY IS HERE!!! Words can't describe how happy I am right now. When we started this journey back in July 2009, I thought Feb. was a lifetime away. I never in my dreams imagined this day would get here. Oh what a roller coaster of a ride has it been. I have been to the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. My mind has gone to places that I am ashamed to admit and my heart has been so full of joy I thought it was going to burst. When I say that I am proud of my husband, it is a complete understatement. I have watch this man who didn't step out of his comfort zone, who didn't do things out of the "norm", who would of never done half of the things he has done grow into this man who can now conqueror the world. He has grown so much as a man, a husband and a father. I have watch GOD come into his life and transform his heart. Before he left for boot camp GOD was a sore subject with him. Yes he believed there was a GOD, but wanted to question things that happened to him. When I saw him after he finished basic he had books upon books about GOD. He had even taken it upon him self to start going to church, by himself...... Amazed! I got cold chills up my spine when I saw the books he had. He finished up his basic training in Fort Knox, Kentucky and was on his way to Fort Eustis, Virginia. There he grew even more. He studied and rocked out his classes to become an Apache Helicopter Mechanic. Aced all of his test and came out with a final average of 96. He didn't just do what he needed to do to get by, he buckled down and rocked it out!  He never missed a formation, he was never in trouble. He became student leadership and received a letter of recommendation from his Sgt. We ended up taking three trips to see him, and he came home many times. The kids and I drove to Kentucky to see him at the end of September. Then in November I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to take off at 8 at night and drive to Virginia to see him. Packed and loaded the kids in the car and took off. We were gone for a week. So much damn fun! We got to take the kids to the ocean, and they saw so much of the US..... Then I drove up to Virginia to get him for Christmas. We got stuck in  a blizzard on the way home but I can't think of a better person to be stuck with. We talked about so much....the kids, our relationship, life in general. Just some good 'ol soul searching with the one I love.  Now here we are, the day that he comes home. AMAZING!!! Can't wait to put my arms around his neck and give him the biggest kiss in the world!!!!!!!! Can I get a HOOOOAAAHHH!!!!!!  

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Can I toot my own horn....of course it's my blog!

 
Am I allowed to brag on myself for a moment? Of course I am, it's my damn blog lol.... I QUIT SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I think I was going to be able to do it, nope not at all. I thought for the first three days I was going to lose my damn mind. I told the kids if mommy was really mean for a couple of days that I was sorry and it wasn't them, I was just trying to quit smoking. Zoei looked at me and said, mommy no matter how mean you get, I will always love you. AWE!!! Love that little girl!! Jeramy didn't think I was going to be able to do it. He told me that he knew I was going to go buy a pack so just break down and do it. I told him since he said that it made me want to quit that much more just to prove him wrong. Maybe that's why he said that....hummmm reverse psychology maybe?? Who knows...all I know is that I don't smoke anymore. I started smoking when I was 13 years old because I thought it was cool. Didn't know then that it would take on a life of it's own and rule everything that I did. I smoked when I was bored, I smoked when I was sad, I smoked when I was happy, I smoked like crazy when I was drinking, shit anything happened in life, I smoked a cig. For 13 years I smoked. The longest I went without smoking was the last three months I was pregnant with Zane. With my aunt getting cancer at the age of 44, my grandfather(her dad) dying of cancer and then on my moms side of the family having is heart disease I was just asking for something to happen to me. Like I was tempting fate so to speak. So with me getting pregnant it was the last straw I needed to push me into making my mind up. So Jan. 18th was my last day to smoke. I didn't even smoke all that day. I smoked up until I took Jeramy to the airport and then had him take all the lighters and smokes with him so I didn't have anything. I basically held up in my house for the first couple of days. Well, with the exception of the things I had to do. I told myself that if I was out running around it would be so easy to stop by a store and buy some. The first few days I thought I was going to kill myself or someone around me but by the third day I thought I got this shit.....And I did beat it!!! YAY YAY YAY!!! It has now been 34 days since I smoked and can't tell you how much better I feel!!! 

Saturday, February 20, 2010

venting....

I really don't know where to start. I don't understand, never will be able to understand, how or why people go out of their way to make fun of or make other people feel stupid. It makes no since to me at all. I know the people that do it are insecure, immature and have never really lived life. It still pisses me off at the audacity they have. The aggressor in me wants to kick everyone of their asses and tell them how fucking stupid they are but I can't. I can just be there for the person on the other side and reassure them that they effin rock and that the people who are doing it are going to be miserable for the rest of their lives. They will never be happy because obviously they aren't happy with themselves.......I really hate not being able to do anything or say anything. 
On another note my ex husband wrote a blog about me.Reason I know is because the title of it was "My ex-wife" lol. I couldn't read it for the longest time because it was set where only friends could read it. Well I won't give my secrets away but needless to say I was able to read it. It basically said what has been going on. Let me re-cap for you a little bit. March will be a year since he has seen or spoken to the kids. Him and his new baby momma got to where he wasn't calling to talk to the kids, they were calling or texting to fight with me. It always worked because I have never been one to hold my tongue when it comes to him. There is too much built up anger towards that man and he knows as well as I know how to push eachothers buttons. Anyways I told him that I was done fighting with him. Since '97 that is what our relationship has been. Fighting on every kind of level you can think of, there were no boundaries. Since we are divorced and there are two kids involved we have a case with the attorney general's office. Per our divorce we have to keep our address, phone numbers and place of employment current with the office if not we can be held in contempt. I told him back in March, after he was already a year behind on his child support that I was changing my number and if he wanted it he knew what he had to do. (call the attorney general and update his information and he could get mine) Well, he has yet to do any of that. It all boils down to money with him. He doesn't think he should have to pay for Zane or Zoei. So in this blog he wrote about me it said that he wrote me begging me to see them, which he did about two weeks ago, and I still refuse to let him see or talk to them.  He said that Zane Zoei and his new baby Kyle were his world and wanted to be in their lives....ummmmm nope don't think so. If they were so important to him he would of done what he needed to do a year ago. Even now, if he really wants to see them or talk to them he knows what he has to do and writing me a letter isn't going to get it done. I played into his games for 12 years and finally last year I decided that I was done. I told him that he was either going to do it all, 100% when it came to my kids or he could fuck off. My kids don't need to be involved with him anyways. He put them in so many screwed up situations. The kids would come home telling me about what happened and I would ask Kyle about it and he would say the kids were lying about it. He would make promises to them and never come through and I was the one left answering the questions about where he was and what he was doing. I was the one left picking up the pieces and I said I wasn't doing it anymore. Just an example when I left Kyle the kids were 1 and 3 years old. He use to tell my son that I didn't love him anymore and that was why I left. So Zane would come to me and ask, Mommy, why don't you love my daddy anymore? He doesn't know how not to put kids in the middle of adult problems. My kids have a dad and that is Jeramy. He has been here since they were 1 and 3, he never once blinked an eye at taking care of them, or made promises to them that he didn't keep. When Jeramy and I got back together the kids called Kyle daddy and Jeramy by his name. Through out these past 5 years with Jeramy stepping up and Kyle screwing up they have started calling their sperm donor Kyle by his first name and they call Jeramy daddy. That is all their doing, no one forced them into saying it, no one said hey you should do this....it has everything to do with them seeing first hand who their real daddy is. No Jeramy didn't "make" them so to speak, but he is more of a daddy than Kyle could ever think about being. Kyle just doesn't have it in him. He can say he loves them, he can say that he wants to be in their lives, he can say that they are his world, but actions speak a lot louder than words. His actions show that his life is way more important than they are....if I could say everything that I know your mouth would hit the ground. But I won't do that, I'm not going to betray that trust....just know that his mom and him haven't changed at all in the 5 years I haven't been around. They are still doing the same things they were going when I was apart of that family. When I say that I am so glad I don't have to deal with the craziness anymore, it's an understatement. So happy that I'm not involved and my children aren't involved in that kind of life anymore.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Baby WIlcox 2/17/10


Today I went back for my second ultrasound. I was so excited but yet so nervous. My last ultrasound they said that they heartbeat was slow, but it was due to the heart just starting to beat that week so don't worry about it. Well, that is just not possible ya know. Even though they say don't worry that is the first thing your mind goes to. Anyways the heartbeat was up to 158bpm!! YAY!!! I made a video so that Jeramy could be able to hear the heartbeat since he is in Virginia and couldn't be here. You already knew I was going to share it with you guys...I edited it so that you didn't have to see it all. I got the heartbeat and the baby moving around....AWESOME!!!
Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

stop


















I think my mind is going to explode. I have something that is building up inside of me that needs to be said, but can't be. It won't make a difference and only cause more hardships so I have to sit back and keep my mouth shut. I have to say that it is so hard being on this side of this situation. I have always been on the other side, and for me to have to learn to keep my mouth shut....ugh, it's a lesson within it's self. I also found out some information that shocks me but doesn't shock me....if that makes any since??? My heart breaks for the people involved in both of the situations I am talking about. One is innocent and has no idea what is surrounding him, and the other person I just love dearly. Wish I could just blog and get it all off my chest but I think it would be better not to.....

Friday, February 12, 2010

Feb. 12,2009

I can't tell you how good it feel to have my husband home. Yes the kids and I go on about our daily routines but it always feels like something is missing. When Jeramy gets here the house becomes home. I picked him up from the airport at 10:30 this morning. I was kind of nervous all last night wondering if he was going to make it on all of his flights. He flew from Virginia to Philly then to DFW. Thank God above he made it on all of them. We left the airport and headed home. It's a ritual to leave the airport and hit up whataburger on the way home. Got home and we all ate and talked around the table. The kids went outside to play in the snow and Jeramy took a  nap. On the days that he comes home he has to get up and leave base between 2 and 3am. His plane usually doesn't leave till 5:45 or 6 so he sleeps on the airport floor. Then he is on a plane for 5 1/2 hours...anyways he took a nap and slept till 4:30. We laid in bed and watched tv for awhile. Then another ritual we have is to go get chicken express for dinner lol... (another thing Jeramy misses being in Virginia lol) After we all ate we went to the movies....It has just been a fun family day. All the way around. Love where I am in life, love my kids and husband more than anything in this world. 
Oh the belly: When Jeramy left this past time  this is how I looked.










When he came back this time:

This is what the belly looked like. LMAO!!!! Nothing else is bigger except for the belly...ok well the boobies are D cup now, but everything else is the same.I have to wear a belly band to keep my maternity pants up. I know you are thinking with a belly like that and yes even with a belly like that, I still can't keep them up. I bought the same size as my regular jeans but  because they don't have the buttons or zipper and just that material to hold them up it makes them hard to keep up. Anyways, my mom and sister both wanted to know what he thought about the belly. So after he woke up from his nap we were both laying in bed watching tv. I looked at him and said my mom and sister want to know what you think about the belly. I pulled my shirt tight and said can you believe this, and his response was, no I can't believe it. LOL!!! When the belly starts poppin out it makes it so real. So he rubbed on the belly while we were laying in bed. Then I got up to get dressed to go get dinner and was pulling my pants up and he came up and started rubbing it again. After we got home from the movies we put the kids in bed and he stopped and gave me a hug and rubbed on it some more. He is so excited, and seeing him as excited as he is makes it even more exciting for me. (if that is even possible???)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Emotional Ride

Oh what an emotional weekend this has been. My eyes hurt, and are so swollen from crying myself to sleep last night and then crying all day today. It sucks because I am the type of person when it comes to certain emotions I tend to bottle them up. Especially when I have spoken my feelings and nothing has been done about it. I think it's a defense thing coming from the 7 years I spent with my ex husband. I learned really quick that what I said or felt didn't matter. I know you are thinking April hide how she is feeling.....and the answer is Yes, it does happen not very often but it does. Anyways, I tend to bottle up certain things and then when something comes up that triggers them, I go into this craziness. Then you sprinkle on top of that being pregnant and having hormones going through the roof, you have a recipe for disaster. Well I have a recipe for disaster. Wish I could go into detail about it all, but I promised that I wouldn't. I feel like I have been run over by an 18 wheeler. Emotionally, physically, mentally...every way you can think of. Jeramy said try not to think about it all and think about him coming home on Friday. So that is my mission. Now weather or not I can do it is a different story. It's really crazy to me that I have reacted the way I did. Usually I get pissed off, maybe that is another defense thing so that no one knows how I really feel....who knows, but anyways usually when something is buggin me I can go smoke, or go drink a beer (or ten) if I wanted to. But I can't do that shit anymore so there is no relief ya know. Then I have the kids here asking me, mom what's wrong, are you ok. Well I can't go into detail with them so I just shake my head and say yeah I'm ok. That is no bueno either because I am the type of person if I am already crying and you ask me if I'm ok, the tears come ten times harder........ It's 10;30 on a Saturday night. Think I am just going to call it a night and pass out. Hopefully tomorrow I can wake up and actually get something done, well instead of crying!

picture

March 20,2009
One of the happiest days of my life.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

8 weeks 2 days

 
 Not much of a change this week....just the good 'ol pregnancy pop. I am really amazed at how fast my body is changing. I read everywhere and the dr. told me that I would start showing  pretty fast but I was thinking more like 12 weeks. I bet when I go to my dr appt. next week I am going to get an I told you so lol



Moving put on hold

 

Jeramy and I have been talking about moving. Our lease is up the end of April. I have to say that I have really been stressing out about it. I am such a planner, and want to have everything in line and know when it's going to happen and how it's going to happen. We agreed that we would start looking this month and plan to be out of our house by the end of this month. That way we could use Jeramy's active duty status to help us get a place. When he comes back at the end of this month he won't be considered active duty anymore and will be looking for a job. I think with him being military there will be many options as far as jobs go.... But I was stressing because he won't be here until basically the first of March. Then we have to be out of here by the end of April. During that time he has to find a job and we have to figure out where we are going to live. So I have been going around looking for places. Found a couple....I was telling Jeramy about it last night on the phone and that is when our discussion took on a whole new direction. We decided last night just to stay where we are until the summer. That way we aren't moving during the school year, it gives us time to find a place that will really work for now a family of 5, and it gives Jeramy time to find a job and for us to really know what our finances are going to be like.....I think it's a good idea. Maybe we were trying to rush and maybe would of jumped into something only to regret it a couple of months down the road. Anyways we agreed that we would plan to move in July and be settled in before the kids start school in Aug and before the baby gets here in September.....

Monday, February 1, 2010

Morph baby

Did this just to amuse myself. Here is what it said Zeelynn would look like:

And here is what it said Zachary would look like:

About Me

My photo
Welcome to the wonderful life of me! I am married to my best friend, my soul mate, my right hand man, the love of my life and we have been blessed with 3 beautiful Z kiddos. Jeramy and I have known each other since we were 14 &16, and have been married for 5 years. He is in the Army and I get to be a stay at home mommy :) We have had our ups and downs, life hasn't always been peaches and cream, but we are blessed!