Wednesday, April 28, 2010
This past Friday Jeramy and I took off to Houston. It was his drill weekend so we made plans for my mom and Tabitha to watch the kids and him and I took off. We left out at 11 Friday thinking we would beat all the traffic....YA RIGHT! We made it to Houston in 3 hours, but sat in traffic for an hour. It was unbelievable. Then we had to go on a hunt for the hotel. All the sgt. told him was that it was an extended stay on bay area...well come to find out there are 4 extended stays on bay area. Finally at the third, and the third time telling us they didn't have anything in the computer the manager came out and asked to help us. Well come to find out we were at the right hotel but the sgt. never set anything in stone. She did say she had some guys coming, but never which ones or how many....So after 30 minutes of being in the lobby trying to figure it all out we finally got in our room. Saturday Jeramy had to get up super early because he didn't know where he was going and had to follow someone. Well the person he had to follow had to be there at 7. He got up and left at 6:15 to follow them and got back around 3:30. I just stayed at the hotel all day. Then Sunday since he knew where he was going I took him at 7:30. I went shopping for Mary Jane (she is having Miss. Skye Nikole June 7th) got her some clothe. Then I went and bought a girl outfit and a boy outfit. I told my mom that when we found out what the baby was going to be I would wrap the right one and she could open it.... Anyways Jeramy was done with his drills at 3 Sunday and I had everything packed up and ready to go, so when he walked out we hit the road. Even at 3:30 on a Sunday, downtown houston traffic SUCKS!!!! We got to Tabitha's house picked up the kids and then made it home around 8:30 or so. It was fun to get away with him for two days...I kinda like the fucker! LMAO let me rephrase that , I really like Jeramy....
IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL IT'S A GIRL!!!! I am beside myself, over the moon excited about having a little girl. I have always said that if Jeramy and I had another kid that Zoei was all the girl I needed. Zane has always been laid back and easy going and Zoei has something to say about everything. But then Jeramy surprised the crap out of me when he told me he wanted a girl. Well I got my wish of having a boy first and then a little girl. So with this being his first biological kid I wanted him to get what he wanted. Him wanting a girl so bad made me want a girl. Of course being true to form, being April's kid she was being stubborn as hell. The nurse said I know what it is but I'm just trying to get a good pic for you. She went and measured everything she needed to and then came back and she still wouldn't open her legs all the way. So she finally said this is the best pic I can get so I will show you. Here is one leg, here is the other leg and there is nothing falling down in between!!! WHOOO HOOOOO!!!!!! She already weighs 12 oz's and is only going to get bigger. Which in turn means I am going to get bigger! LMAO! Jeramy and I were talking about my weight today and a month ago when I went to the dr I had only gained 8lbs. Jeramy said you have gained weight this month. I said I know I am going to step on the scale and they are going to say ummm mrs., you have gained 15lbs in one month....LOL Jeramy said you haven't gained that much! Me being only 5ft maybe 2in, when I gain any weight you can automatically tell so it will be interesting to see how much I have gained. I go back next wed for a check up. Anyways I am going to go hang out and watch some TV and be lazy!
Zane was disappointed that it was a girl, and Zoei was so excited!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Today is Sunday, April 18th. I have been on a cleaning spree all day today. As of right now I only have two more loads of laundry left and then the whole entire house and everything in it will be clean. Feels good to walk into a house that just smells of cleanliness. Maybe it's a early nesting spree, maybe it's just me being tired of the craziness, who knows.
Baby news~ I am now 19 weeks. We find out what the baby is in 9 days and a wake up. I really hope these days go by really fast as I am so anxious to find out if it's Zachary or Zeelynn inside me. This week will probably go by fast due to the stuff we have to do. And then Friday we leave for Houston. Jeramy has his drills this next weekend. It will be fun to get away for a couple of days. I'm sure the kids and I will find something to do while we are there. Then we will come back late Sunday night. That only leaves Monday and Tuesday to really have time to think about it. Our appt. is at 9 Wednesday morning. I can't make up my mind to keep the kids out of school so that they can see the ultrasound, or just take a video of it and they can find out what the baby is after school. I am going to have to find one of those websites that you can set up a poll, and find out what everyone thinks.....I think it's a girl, but then I tell myself that because everything is leaning towards a girl we will get in there and they are going to say WOW, look at those balls!!! No they won't say it like that but you get what I'm saying. My dad and g-maw think it's a boy, Jeramy thinks it's a girl, Zane thinks it's a boy and Zoei thinks it's a girl......guess we will all find out soon enough....
Monday, April 12, 2010
So it is a beautiful Monday morning here in the Wilcox house hold. I woke up this morning and got the kiddos ready for school. Neither one of them wanted to get up out of bed. I have to admit neither did I. I hit the snooze button about 4 times. They were so worn out from going to the birthday parties yesterday and then playing tennis with all the neighborhood kids. Anyways took the kiddos to school and then came back home and put on a load of laundry and did the dishes. Jeramy asked me what I was doing and I told him I was doing my wifely/mommy duties. He told me my wifely duties were something completely different than what I was doing LOL I won't put it on here but if you know my husband and I then you know what he said. It is now 9:30am and as I sit here at my computer I am just reminding myself to trust in God. This whole job situation with Jeramy could really stress me out if I let it. Who would of ever thought a guy with ten years in construction, a year in the military, a certified Apache Helicopter mechanic and college would have such a hard time finding a job. I say that and then remind myself of the people out there with master degrees that can't find a job. I know that God has something in store for him. I pray that this military job thing that he has been going to will help him find something. He is going back today because they are going to help him redo his resume. There are opening with the fort worth fire department so she is going to help him get his resume there. They only require 12 college hours and I think the college that he has will be enough. Don't know for sure, but I'm praying. It's crazy to me that he would even entertain the idea of being a fireman. Most people run from situation like that, and Jeramy's like here, sign me up. If I really look back on this past year of my life, I am amazed at what he really wants to do with his life. Who would of ever thought Jeramy would join the army and put his life on the line to provide for his family, who would of ever thought he would want to work on helicopters, who would of ever though his ultimate dream job is to be a cop and then eventually be a murder investigator??? I admire his courage and his drive to put other people before himself. I just admire him.... There is no doubt in my mind that he is going to great things with his life, it's just getting his foot in the door somewhere ya know. Trusting in God, knowing without a shadow of doubt that he will lead us in the right direction. It's these times in our lives that make us who we are, makes us realize what is important, makes us realize that things may not happen when or how we want them to, but they will happen on Gods time. He is in control of all of this.....Hope you have a wonderful Monday!!!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I sit at my computer this Sunday morning wishing I had some coffee. I made the last of it yesterday morning and actually went to the grocery store last night but guess what I didn't get LOL. Today is going to be a pretty busy day. Both kiddos have birthday parties to go to within 15 minutes of each other. Zane is going to lunch and a movie and then Zoei is going skating. So I have the afternoon off when it comes to mommy duties.
So anyways, get this....my dad has played golf for years. Never understood what the attraction to it is, nor do I now. My husband has played video games for FOREVER LOL....so he gets Tiger Woods PGA tour something...I know there is more to it but I don't know the full name. Guess who is now playing golf on the playstation 3??? ME!! Something that I have never understood about my husband or my father comes together in a video game and now I'm hooked. Jeramy said last night I can't believe you are playing this with me, my response was neither can I. Anywhoo, there is a lot more I can talk about but I have to go get my kiddos ready for their afternoon of birthday parties.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
My dr is a butt head!!! (only cuz he wouldn't give me what I wanted) I went in this morning for my check up. The nurse said ok April step on the scale...the dreaded scale. I got on there and looked and I haven't gained any weight from last month!!! WHOOO HOOOO!! That means I have only gained 8 pounds since I got pregnant. I know that number will go up the futher along I get, it just feels good for it to still be in the single numbers and be half way through the pregnancy. So anyways I got a little freaked out because it took the nurse ten minutes to find the heart beat. We could hear the baby moving around like crazy, so I knew it was alright, it was just scary it taking so long to find it. Once I told her where the baby was she stayed in that spot and we finally heard it. Wheeeewwww! My Dr comes in and checks the belly and tells me I need to do the chromosome test to check for down syndrome and crap. I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to do it or not. I did the test when I was pregnant with Zane and it came back saying there was an increased risk of him having down syndrome. Just added more stress to the pregnancy ya know. So he said that there were a lot of false positives 10 years ago and that the test are a lot better now. I ended up doing the test, it's only blood work. To me pregnancy is stressful within itself. And if you do these test, it just adds more stress. My dr is just test happy I think. He is all about doing all of the tests. To him knowledge is power and if you know something might be wrong then you can prepare yourself for it. To me, the baby is going to be how ever God wants this baby to be. No test, no procedure is going to change anything. We are going to love this baby regardless if it comes out with ten toes on one foot, three eyes and two butts ya know..... it doesn't matter to us. Anyways we got to the end of the appt. and he wants me to come back first week in May for my next appt. He wanted to wait until then to do the sonogram. So I said, I really can't talk you into doing it any sooner...his response to me was ok, come back in three weeks....WTF??? I wanted him to say ok, come back this afternoon at 2 and we will do it then lol. I guess now we at least have a date, so the countdown will being to that appt.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Easter Sunday the kids Jeramy and I went to church. We met my sister Tyler and Big D up there. I swear to you the sermon was written for April Wilcox. It was all about forgiveness. About how we are forgiven by God for everything we do in our lives and that the things people do to us here on earth are so minuet compared to what God has forgiven us for. Stepped all over my toes I tell ya!!! For so many years I have carried this grudge. This hatred, this disgust, every negative feeling and emotion that you could possibly have for someone, I have had for my ex husband. It's funny to me because during the sermon I leaned over to my sister and said this is stepping all over my toes about Kyle....as soon as we picked up the kids and got into the car my husband looks at me and says that sermon was just for you wasn't it???? LMAO!!! I responded by saying yes it was. Jeramy has been telling me for years that I just need to let it go and forgive him. In a way I think if I forgive him then I am letting everything he did to me be ok. So I went as far as to writing my ex husband an email and sending it to him. I know that it won't mean anything to him, but it's not suppose to. It was all for me. I needed to be able to say to him I forgive you. No I didn't pick up the phone and call him, don't have a phone number for him nor do I want one, and I didn't say it face to face, not that I have any desire to ever see him again. I just had to say it knowing that he would see it. So here is my email to my ex-husband:I went to church this morning and the preacher said what I needed to hear. So just let me say to you that I forgive you for everything that you have done. Everything in the past, and everything that is to come in the future. Me holding a grudge towards you is doing nothing. It will never make you change or see things my way. The preacher said that forgiveness is releasing the person of everything they have done to you. So I release you of it. It's not a two way thing, I just have to be able to release you no matter what you say or do.
He also said that forgiveness is not enabling, rescuing, or putting myself back in a position where you can hurt me or the kids. So even though I forgive you, I refuse to let you back in where you can do damage. I think it is my responsibility as their mom to protect my kids and their innocence and their little hearts. You are not in a position to offer them any stability, and don't see anything wrong with putting them in situations they have no business being in. On top of that you currently have an open CPS case. So until you can offer them what they deserve, and step up to the plate on every level, it is my duty to protect them. I know that this will mean nothing to you, I just needed to say it to you for my own good. I needed to say I forgive you.....
I really can't believe it that I was moved enough to write it and even hit send. I have to learn to let the lies, the cheating, the pulling me around by my hair in our apt while Zane slept in the next room, the beating my head up against a window sill when I was 8 months pregnant while my son watched and all I could do was curl up in a ball so he didn't hurt the baby, the snorting up lines in the hospital while I was in labor with Zoei. Even things that happened in the past few years, letting the kids sleep in a bed with a gun under Zane's pillow, him not ever having his own place and putting my kids in dangerous situations like having someone come in the house pull a knife out while my kids were there and telling my ex husband that he had five minutes to get out of the house, like letting my kids see him and his new baby momma get into a physical fight and have to get in the car and run from the cops so that he didn't go to jail......Oh there is so much more I could put on here. There is so much more built up anger I have towards him just for the simple fact that he could never put my kids above all the crazy shit he does, he never once thought about them, it was always about him. But according to God, I have to be able to let all of that go. Not the memories, but the power that the memories hold. Is it going to happen over night, am I going to be able to let it all go today, no. But the point of it all is that I have finally decided to start the process of forgiveness.....I am sure there will be hiccups in the road and I can't promise that the next time I get a random email from him it won't piss me off, but I am going to try my best>>>>>>>
Friday, April 2, 2010
I have just sat here and listened to so many songs and watched so many videos. I sit here in amazement, in awe of Jesus. Thankful of where I have been and where I am today. I have been to the lowest of lows, where I thought I would never bounce back, and yet today I sit here on such a high. Let's be real about my life, it hasn't all been roses lol. I started sneaking out and smoking at the age of 13. By the time I was 16 I was hooked on cocaine and dropped out of school because I thought I knew everything about life. I moved out of my parents house on my 17th birthday and began the hell that was my life for the next 7 years. Seven months after moving out of my parents house I was pregnant. I did quit the drugs while I was pregnant. I turned 18 Jan. of 2001, was married April 23,2001 and gave birth to my son exactly three weeks to the day of getting married, May 14,2001. The drugs were gone for awhile, but slowly crept back into my life. When you hang around the people I was hanging around, it was just bound to happen. By October 2001 I was hooked on speed and that really took on a life of itself. Nothing mattered but getting high, nothing. By April 2002 I was a full blown addict. Within two weeks I lost my apt, lost my job, my husband and I split up and he took my son because all I cared about was getting high. The people my ex husband went to live with got mad at him and called CPS saying we abused him. That part was never true, he was always taken care of, but my ex husband and I were abusing our bodies. I found out my son was placed in the custody of my ex husbands mother May 12,2002. That was all it took for me to lay down the pipe. The night I found that out I quit smoking speed, I was still up for two days after that because I had done so much crap. I found my ex husband and thought to myself that the only way I was going to get my son back was if I got back with him. So we got back together and were living in a three bedroom trailer with 11 people. Within two months of being back together I was pregnant again. We went through a year of marriage counseling, parenting classes, random drug test, what ever hoop they told me to jump through I did all with the hopes of getting my son back. I did get Zane back a couple of months before I had Zoei. I gave birth to Zoei March 24,2003. That was an experience to say the least. Just because I had given up speed, didn't mean my ex husband did. The night before I was to be induced, him and one of his friends stole a bunch of dope from a dope dealer. The day I was in labor people that came to see me had to be escorted out by security because they were calling up to the hospital saying they were going to kill me and Zoei if they didn't get the dope back. My ex husband was snorting lines in the bathroom of the hospital while I was in labor. I tried to make it work with him, but there was so much resentment built up I honestly couldn't stand him. All of these years there was so much abuse, so many lies, so many times he cheated on me. I stayed with him and in December of 2004 he was put in the hospital. I stayed there for two weeks and it was during that time I realized I needed to leave. Did I know that before, yes, but I was of the belief I made my bed so I had to lay in it. I didn't want my kids to grow up without their mother and father together. March of 2005 I had enough and left him. 6 weeks later Jeramy and I were living together and making a little family lol
There is a lot I left out of the story but you get the point. I lived a life of sin on so many levels but I have to say that I am thankful I went through all of it. It has made me the person I am today, and has given me the strength to know that I can over come anything. So I sit here tonight thankful that God never left my side.There are many times I should of died, or been in situations where I could of been killed, but I sit here today able to type this. I sit here with two children whom are now 7 and 8 and are so full of life, so full of innocence, so full of joy, just happy kids. I sit here with another baby growing inside of me. That is just a miracle within itself. I have a husband who is willing to do anything and everything to provide for us, to protect us, to love us unconditionally, and I sit here just thankful that I am where I am in my life. I appreciated every little small thing because I know all too well that it hasn't always been like this, and my life could be in a completely different place. It is only by the grace of God that I am here today, nothing else could of changed my life around.
So this Easter as I celebrate Jesus dying and rising again, I just imagine my old life dying, and here the new April is rising. The sky is the limit and I truly know that now. I now have hope.......
- Welcome to the wonderful life of me! I am married to my best friend, my soul mate, my right hand man, the love of my life and we have been blessed with 3 beautiful Z kiddos. Jeramy and I have known each other since we were 14 &16, and have been married for 5 years. He is in the Army and I get to be a stay at home mommy :) We have had our ups and downs, life hasn't always been peaches and cream, but we are blessed!