Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Life, a crazy ride

It is only Wednesday and I feel like I have been on the ride of my life! Monday morning both Jeramy and I were totally blindsided. He got up and went to work like usual. I fell back asleep and then get woken up to him walking in the room again at 7. I was like what in the world are you doing? He said you don't want to know. I just got laid off. My heart sank into my stomach. You know that automatic sick feeling you get, yup that is what I woke up to on a Monday morning. My mind starts racing, thinking what in the world are we going to do? I am 7 1/2 months pregnant, we have bills to pay and two kids already, what in the world are we going to do? What I've been taught to do and know without a shadow of a doubt to do is pray. I started praying so hard. Telling God I don't know why this is going on, I have no idea how to make this right but I do know that you will never fail me. I do know that you have a plan, and that somehow some way this is suppose to make since. Please don't let me have a break down.... Just let me feel your presence in my life. Monday was spent updating all of the monster, career builder and whatever other account we had. I went to my moms to get the paper.Jeramy called and got his unemployment re-started and called the lady from the JCEP program (that program that helps military people find jobs) Jeramy just kept saying we have more resources this time around, we will be alright. I knew we would be alright, but I was thinking what if it takes another 3 months for him to find a job? What are we going to do then. About 3:45 Monday afternoon Jeramy gets a call from one of the connections from the JCEP program saying that he has a job for him and that he could possible start Tuesday. He said he had to do some things on his end and then he would call Jeramy back with the info. Well I go from 0 to 99 in about 5 seconds. Could this really be happening? Will this really work itself out in less than 24 hours? Of course the guy didn't call Jeramy back Monday which made me start thinking ok this isn't going to work out, got my hopes up for nothing. Tuesday rolls around and at 2 Jeramy calls the guy back. He told him that they had spoken yesterday and was just wondering if he had any information. Travis (the Guy) said that Jeramy for sure had the job, he was just waiting on a response from Weir SPM to tell him what Jeramy's start date was going to be. Once again I go from 0 to 150 in no time flat. It was just a weight lifted off of me knowing that no matter what he had another job. I told Jeramy I didn't care if he had a week off as long as he had something to go to next week LOL. Travis calls back at 3:30 and tells Jeramy that he needs to be at work at 6am Wednesday morning. HOLY MOLY>>> ARE YOU SERIOUS???? Once again I just prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for closing one door but opening another one...thanking him that it only took 24 hours LOL, that never happens I mean come on now.... who loses a job one day and gets another one the next day? GOD is the only one who has the power to do that. Some one said to me maybe this new job is a better "fit" for your family. They hit the nail on the head. He went into the army and became a certified Apache Helicopter mechanic, and now he is re-building engines for the oil companies. An engine is an engine, big or small... a 10,000 dollar car or a 2 billion dollar helicopter, it all works the same. So not only is he working on engines but he is literally a hop skip and a jump away from the base in Ft Worth LOL.... I just know that GOD wanted him to be in the field that he just worked so hard to get into. Hopefully he won't get laid off... Travis told him that he had personally placed a couple of people there before and they are now production managers, or something else higher up in the company. He said the words that if Jeramy basically busted his balls, he would move up with this company. Ok maybe he didn't say it like that but you get what I'm saying. When I picked up Jeramy today from work his whole attitude was different and he actually said the words I am glad Kysor laid me off and I got this job. It just made my heart smile. I love knowing that he likes this so much more, that it is such a better fit for him. Even more amazing is that I know that GOD had his hand in this the whole time. HE never has failed me, never once. Thankful, humbled, reassured, blessed any word you can think of I am right now...just in awe!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

here he is again....seriously??



Would you let your kids around this man???

Candid talks with my kids


Love my candid talks with these two little people. We walked to the neighbor hood pool today and it was locked. So the kids said mom can we go to Ashley's old pool. I told them that we could but if people started asking questions then we would have to leave because we don't live there and neither does Ashley. So Zoei says we can just tell them that we are at our step dads house. I kind of laughed. She went on to say Jeramy is our step dad. I said yes he is. She said but I call him my daddy. I said yea I know. She said I wish Kyle was wasn't our real dad. I said oh yeah, she says yeah I really don't want to see him ever again. I don't ever know what to say when they say these things because I don't know where they are going to take the conversation. So I just said ok, she said he's really mean. Now this is coming from a 7 year old girl that hasn't seen or spoken to him in over a year and half. I never say anything about him or bring him up because I see him for who he truly is, and it is completely different than what their innocent eyes see him as. I believe when they get older they will make up their own minds about him, and I in no way want to damage or interfere with that. Now do I say shit about him to other adults you better bet your sweet ass I do, but never to them. I told Jeramy that I am always so surprised when they bring Kyle up and what they say about him.....

Friday, June 25, 2010

Pregnancy hormones

Originally written 6*25*10
 
Even though I am surrounded by my kids and nephew everyday, even though I have a husband who comes home every night, even though I have family all around me....can't help but feel alone. I know it's my pregnancy hormones playing games on my mind, but it's really bugging me tonight. I have no adult conversation other than the 5 minutes in the morning when Ashley drops off Daegan or the random calls during the day from my mom. When Jeramy comes home at night he just wants to chill and I can't help but want to talk. I don't think he understands that he gets to talk to people during the day, yes he is at work but there is interaction with other people. I am at home with the kids which I wouldn't trade for the world and we talk but it's kid talk ya know.... Have I voiced that I need more interaction from him, no. He works 60 hours a week providing for our family. He is the one that makes it possible for me to be able to stay at home with the kids and be the mom that I want to be. There is no way I would ask him for more. I feel like he has so much on his plate as it is, I don't want to burden him with more.  I know that it doesn't help that he has come home the past couple of nights in a bad mood. Does he take it out on me or the kids, no but the silence kills me. He came home tonight asked me how my day was and where the kids were while he ate a lunchable. Told him I really didn't know what to do for dinner cuz it was just him and I. He ended up saying that he could eat more than what I thought he could so I made dinner.He took a bath and went to sleep. He was out by the time dinner was made. I wasn't going to wake him up, after all he leaves the house by 10 after 5 every morning and doesn't get home till 5:30 or so. Needless to say I ate dinner by myself. He ended up waking up about 20 minutes ago and ate dinner, but then went right back to sleep. I know the dream I had last night played a big part in the way I'm feeling right now also. I can't tell you how real they seem. Can't tell you how much the screw with my head. Maybe it's because it's one of my biggest fears??? Him leaving and me going back to the old lifestyle. Usually I would call the girls up and we would go out for drinks and I would have an outlet there. But when you are knocked up and none of your friends are you lose that connection too. They still go out and drink, good day or bad day or just because, they still go out. Which in turn puts your ass totally out of the loop. So am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself, yes. It's 8:15 on a  Friday night, my kids are gone to their nana's house and my husband is passed out in bed. I am sitting on the computer trying to find something to do to make the time go by faster. Trying to get the night over with.

Pregnancy Dreams



Pregnancy dreams are just crazy. There are just no other words for them. If I'm not waking up from my legs cramping, or my arms going to sleep or my back hurting, I wake up thinking where in the hell did that just come from. Dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night because they feel so real, like you are truly there and they are really happening. Wanna know the dream that I had last night....well you don't have much of a choice since this is my blog LOL  I had a dream that Jeramy came home and had decided that he didn't want to be married anymore. I wasn't pregnant and Zane and Zoei were no where in the picture. In this dream after Jeramy tells me that he doesn't want to be married anymore, I call my ex husband. Some how him and I get together and go get some speed and end up smoking it and tweakin our balls off. Then after a few hours of hanging out with my ex husband and fighting...that part doesn't surprise me Jeramy calls me again and says ok I changed my mind, I still want to be with you. Then I start thinking I can't go back with him, I'm on drugs again, I'm tweakin my ass off, if he see's me like this he will never want to have anything else to do with me. I wake up and look around, make sure I am still in my bed and that it's Jeramy laying next to me. Then I lay there in complete awe....why oh why would my mind go there??? I know why Kyle was on my mind. I found a new picture of him and just can't get over how he looks... so that is probably why he came in my dream, but why would I go back to doing speed again? and Why would Jeramy tell me that he doesn't want to be married anymore? Just don't understand it at all LOL  I sent Jeramy a text message this morning saying I had the craziest dream in the world and just need to know you love me.... He sent a text back saying yes I love you babe. I am sure he is thinking where did that come from, this chick is weird LMAO

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Shocked????

I really shouldn't be in shock with anything this man does. I really shouldn't even give him the time of day by looking at his myspace page because it just pisses me off. I will never understand why or how he lives with himself not having anything to do with my kids. Some of you may wonder why I choose to keep the kids away from him: There are several reasons why some of them have to do with his choices in life, some of it has to do with him putting the kids in dangerous situations.... They haven't seen or spoken to him in 15 months. Last time they saw him I know he had the racist tattoos on his neck, I know he had the tattoos on his head and maybe his lips done. But this is what he looks like now:
Would you let your children around a person that looked like that? My kids are 9 and 7...what would go through their minds if they saw him like this? He looks drunk, or high...something isn't right with his eyes (i know this because I was with him for 7 years)

Friday, June 11, 2010

Finally light at the end of the tunnel



So there is light at the end of every tunnel. As you all know my transmission went out in the expedition three weeks ago today. Now we got our car from a tote the note place. Basically we needed a car ASAP so two years ago we got a firebird. Then the kids got too big for it, their little legs were up to their shoulders in the back seat. So we traded it in for an Expedition. It's a 2000, so it's been around for awhile but I love it. We drove it for over a year and really didn't have any problems with it. Then three weeks ago I had picked up Jeramy from work, dropped off Daegan and we were almost home when the transmission went out going down 287. My dad towed it to his house and then towed it to the shop a day later. The shop is apart of the place we got the car from. The boss man was out of town for a week so it sat there with nothing being done to it. Then they took it to the transmission shop but didn't leave the key, so it sat there for another week without anything being done to it. Last Friday the guy calls me and say that the transmission is shot....NO SHIT! I could of told you that two weeks ago. I didn't go off on him because he was the one that was going to tell us how much money we had to come up with up front. He says to fix the transmission it is going to cost 1500 dollars and he needed 700 up front. Ok I took that money to him last Friday, and it still took them until last night to get the transmission fixed. He calls me today and says I have your car and it's running fine, but I have bad news also. Ok what??? I found the leak in your a/c and for parts and labor it is going to cost another 500 dollars. Well I am almost 7 months pregnant and it is summer time. I refuse to go without a/c. Even stepping outside kills me, there is no way I am driving around in a car sticking my head out the window trying to get cool. Anyways he fixed it and we finally got rexie poo back this evening. (yes the kids and I name all of our cars) 2000 dollars and 3 weeks later we get the car back....thankful to have it back, oh you have no idea. My mom was so generous with her car and basically let me have it for three weeks. She only took it during the day to go to work. But I was able to take and pick up Jeramy from work and I was able to take and pick up the kids from school for the last two weeks of it. I owe her big time! She says it's just what family does, I agree 100% but still it's such an inconvenience to her. After driving an Expedition for over a year and then driving her little Focus I felt like my ass was going to hit the ground. You know those battery operated cars that you can get for kids, that is what I felt like I was driving LMAO! I got in the Expedition today and felt like I was on top of the world again, One because I had my car back and two because it is so much higher than her car. Jeramy talked to Tommy for the first time today, I had been the one he was dealing with because Jeramy goes to work at 6am and doesn't get off till 4:45 so there was no way for them to talk.  Anyways Jeramy called him at lunch and Tommy told him the car was going to be ready today. He said, your wife has been so nice and patient with me...... Feels good to hear him say that because I made it a point everytime we spoke not to be a bitch to him. Now what I called him before and after we got off the phone, and any time someone brought the car situation up is a different story but the point is I was always kind to him. Now if I would of gone off on him like I wanted to it would of taken a lot longer to get the car back and we would of had to come up with a lot more money up front. I prayed so hard about being nice to him. LORD, let it be fixed or help me refrain from going off on this dude...LOL Felt good that he noticed he was screwing up on his end and taking way longer than it ever should, but I was being nice! 
Peace out!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Love


I know I have said this many many times before, but I just love my little family! I really feel blessed to have the kind of life I have. Does it have it's ups and downs, Oh yeah, but the people I get to walk through this journey with are amazing. I have parents that amaze me. Love 'em Love 'em Love 'em! I have a sister who just rocks. She is genuinely a good person and has the biggest heart. Even though she's married, her husband is a truck driver so during the week she is a single mom. Goes to work everyday and then comes home and takes care of my favorite nephew. Which leads me to BIG D! Can I just say that God knows what he is doing! My sister got pregnant with him before we knew that Jeramy was going to join the army. I told her that I would watch him while she worked. Well, after Jeramy had been gone for awhile I started to get really down in the dumps. Yes I still had my kiddos but they were gone all day long at school. I missed the crap out of my best friend, like I said I got really really down. Then came Daegan Michael. I can't tell you how having him during the day helped my mental state. It was the change up I needed, it was the having something to do constantly and not having the time to sit and dwell on who I didn't have with me. He is just precious! Does he drive me crazy some times, yes, but that's what 7 month olds do LOL. 
 I have two of the best kids in the world. My love for them is immeasurable. There is not a word that would ever be able to describe how much I love them or what they mean  to me. The other day we went swimming and as I was laying out watching them swim I was just thinking to myself how blessed I am that God chose me to be their mother. I promise I wouldn't be here typing this blog if it weren't for God putting those babies in my life. With the life I was leading I would either be in prison or dead by now. When I was young and dumb even having Zane in my life I put him in situations that he never should of been in, but because I had him in my life, I choose to change my life. Does that make any since??? It took something drastic happening before I got my shit together, and then I got pregnant with Zoei so I had no choice but to stay clean. A year and a half after she was born was when I decided that I could do so much more and that they deserved so much more. Which leads me to my wonderful husband Jeramy Lee. That is another person that will never truly know how much he helped me, on so many levels. And it's not that he swooped in and said do this that and the other and your life will be good. He just loved me. For me. I didn't have to be this person or that person, I didn't have to dress like this or that to get his attention. Him loving me like he does taught me how to love myself. I watched this man come into my kids lives and not demand respect, not demand love not demand anything from them. He became daddy over the years. At first they played with him, thought he was a cool guy and they didn't call him daddy, they called him Jeramy. But after him being there constantly, never not showing them love or attention, always always always putting them first he became daddy. Totally their own choice, no one ever told them hey you need to call him daddy, they did it on their own. Zoei did it first and it took Zane a little while longer to do it, but eventually he did.  Jeramy came into our lives totally open and willing to love all three of us. Love us like we deserved to be loved. I am so amazed at the man he is. I make sure to tell him on a regular basis that I appreciate being able to stay at home and be with them. I love being able to be a full time mom. Our babies won't be babies very long and it's an honor for me to be able to be here day in and day out. 
This turned into a lot more than I thought I was going to be when I first started typing. Usually what happens when I have the radio on, kids are sleeping and I am alone with my thoughts. I truly 100% love my life and love the people in it. Wouldn't change where I was or the things that have happened in my life because they have made me appreciate even more where I am. 

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My letter from Zoei

Zoei wrote a letter tonight about me. She laid on the couch and wrote it all by herself and then read it to me. Here is what it said:

Mommy you are  mean a little bit, but you are the best mother. You are fun loving mom but are a little bit mean. But when you die I will never forget you. I will pray to God that you will be in my heart because I need you when you die. I will miss you forever. And if dad is at work I will take care of Zeelynn. When Zeelynn is 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 or 9 I will be there. I will cook for them when dad is at work and I will help them. I don't care if I have a broken leg. I will cook for them. I don't care about me, I care about Zeelynn. I will risk my life for them. I don't care about me. By Zoei     To Mom   From Zoei

 I don't know why she is stuck on me dying though?????  They have forever and a day said to me, Mom I don't ever want you to die. I think it's priceless though. It's amazing to me what her little mind can come with. Those innocent thoughts and ideas are wonderful. Glad to know that when I'm gone she will pick up the pace and take care of the boys and Zeelynn. She even said she would cook for them LOL!!!!  Love my little girl more than words will ever be able to describe. Glad she loves to write just like her momma does!!!

About Me

My photo
Welcome to the wonderful life of me! I am married to my best friend, my soul mate, my right hand man, the love of my life and we have been blessed with 3 beautiful Z kiddos. Jeramy and I have known each other since we were 14 &16, and have been married for 5 years. He is in the Army and I get to be a stay at home mommy :) We have had our ups and downs, life hasn't always been peaches and cream, but we are blessed!