Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hump Day ramblings

When I start to think about Jeramy leaving, it really tares me up inside. I really can't imagine him not being here on a day to day basis. I can't think about how bad my rides to and from work are going to be. We literally work 2 blocks from each other. I can't imagine my nights being spent putting the kids to bed by myself, and then going to bed alone. Of course my mind goes to the worst and thinks, well I guess I can't put that on here...we will just say I think this might by the last time I do this, or we celebrate that. What if he leaves and then never comes back? How are you suppose to block that out of your mind. Yes, he wants to go. Yes, he is all for it. Yes, financially it would be amazing. Yes, it would open up so many doors for him. Is all of that worth the chance of him not coming home? Not a chance in my mind. But what can I do about it ya know. This is a part of the army that has always been in the back of our minds, but when someone says, You are going, this is when and where it's a shock/blow to the system. I don't know how one would prepare for that. Jeramy is a man, and army man, so he is all for it. He wants to go. In his mind the pros are financial, jobs, rank...etc. The list goes on and on. Jeramy being the manly man that he is wants to be able to say when he is 60-80 years old that he did something with his life. It's not saying that he doesn't feel complete having me and the kids, crap he wants to add another one to the bunch. He wants to be able to say he defended his country and did something big with his life. For that reason, and that reason alone I am okay with him going. I know it's something he wants, me being his wife, his best friend of course I am going to support him.It is for my own selfish reasons that I want him to say. I want him/need him in my life. Day to Day, side by side, ride or die kind of situation. Sometimes I think he knows me more than I know myself. He gets me on every single level. Mentally, physically, emotionally, the good, bad and the ugly, he knows me. Period point blank. Jeramy is the calmest person I know, and I am the total opposite. I got from 5 to 95 in 2 seconds. When I get stressed or worked up about something, he is the one that calms me down. Call it being codependent, call it being weak, call it whatever you want to, it doesn't matter to me. When he left for 8 months, mentally I was fucked. There is no other way to put it.I hated being alone. Did I learn how to cope with it and deal with it. Yes. I had no choice but to. He was here one day and then the next he was gone. Knew the day was coming but still hit me like a ton of bricks. Just like this time, I know when it's coming. Is that going to make it any better...HELL NO! 
18 months just makes me sick to my stomach. How much does life change in that amount of time. When he comes back how crazy is it going to be. Yes it will be the most amazing thing in the world, but if you really think about it. Really think about it. We would have to learn how to live together again.....So many different thoughts running through this mind of mine.  Could keep going and going but I'm going to go try and lay down. Turn the mind off and sleep.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

What 2012 has to bring...

That is the big question right  now. I guess I should be use to it by now, but I don't think I ever will be able to. The last 6 months of 2011 were a big roller coaster ride with the tech job situation. Were we going to live here or in Houston. He was going to get the job and then he wasn't, then some people were going to deploy and he would get the job but then the deployment was cancelled so it didn't happen. Sucks that he didn't end up with the job but I would never in a million year want someone's loved one to deploy just so my husband got a job. No job would ever be worth that. EVER! Now we are a week into 2012 and find out that Jeramy is going to deploy. This weekend he had to report to Austin instead of Houston to get dental work done. About 5 months ago they had a check up and found out he needed a bunch of work done. I thought it was weird that they called on a Wednesday and said report on Saturday, but that's nothing new with the army. Last minute things always happen. The thought about a deployment never crossed my mind. Not once.... Jeramy on the other hand who decided to keep the thought to himself did. Saturday morning Jeramy called me and asked if I was still sleeping, which of course I was. He said are you ready for some news? Of course that wakes me up cuz I'm like what is about to come out of his mouth....He's getting deployed are the words that come out of his mouth.The only thing I could say was are you serious Wilcox? (Anyone who knows us, knows I call him Wilcox) So he told me again, I'm getting deployed. I kept saying WOW....I didn't know what else to say. He had to get off the phone because he had to go get his work done and it left me thinking, WTF??? Where in the hell did that come from? I thought they were pulling the troops out? He couldn't tell me over the phone then when he was leaving so I was thinking is he leaving in a month? Is he leaving in a year? Is he leaving "sometime in the next two years"? Everything and anything running through my head. I know where he's going and when but I can't say it on here. It would put people in danger if it got to the wrong person, ya know. I stayed up late last night playing with pictures and listening to music. It let's my mind wonder without really thinking about anything. I focus on the pictures and find music that speaks to my soul. Every situation goes through my mind but never really stopping to think in detail. Today I have had time to put in in perspective, think about pros and cons. Try to wrap my mind around not seeing my best friend for 18 months. How is it going to be a good birthday for me, for Zane, for Zoei and Zeelynn. How is Halloween going to be and fun. How Thanksgiving is going to be sad, and how in the hell is Christmas going to be a celebration without my other half? Back in 2009 when Jeramy joined the army, he left for 8 months. That was the hardest thing in the world for me to go through. For the first time in my life, I was alone. And not just by myself but with 2 kids.I really didn't think I would make it through. But after a few weeks you fall into a routine, but I also was depressed. I can say without a doubt in my mind, Ashley having Daegan was the best thing in the world for my mind and soul. Who would of ever thought my sister getting pregnant out of the blue would be so good for me. It was trust me, but this is a whole different ball field, this is a totally different game. While he was in Fort Knox, I could talk to him. Few and far between phone calls, but I got them. While he was in Fort Eustis, I was able to talk to him almost every night, and saw him at least every 6 weeks or so. We are talking a whole different country, a different time zone, a different part of the world that I know nothing about. How can I wrap my mind around that? How does one prepare herself for her husband being gone for 18 months, random phone calls and letters. How does one cope with the kids dealing with the fact of their dad being gone, trying to be strong on the outside but inside really asking yourself how are you going to deal with it much less make it okay for 3 kids. There is still so much to process in this mind of mine.8 months was a long time, I can't even begin to wrap my mind around 18 months. That is just mind blowing to me and if I'm really being honest, it makes me literally sick to my stomach. I promise it makes me not take him for granted. I have found myself watching today. Just his face expressions, the way he walks, the way he gets tickled, smiles and then laughs.... I'm sure there will be many many more post regarding all of this. My mind tends to go wild and I can keep it in, I just have to have a place to vent for myself. Typing it on this keyboard does wonders for me. Processing it all enough to type it out, random as it may be is good.....Crazy, just plain crazy!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Another baby?????

Holy Cow! My husband sent me into 2012 with a shock like no other. HE WANTS ANOTHER BABY! I really thought I was done having kids. Ok, well I have always said I was done but if my husband ever looked at me and said he wanted another one I would do it in a heart beat. Hence the reason I didn't get my tubes tied. I didn't want to do anything perminant because "what if". Never thinking I would ever heard the words come out of my husbands mouth. The thing about it is my sister had Corbin 2 weeks ago. We were in the car riding together and I said something about not having another kid and J says, yeah I "think" 3 kids are enough. I thought to myself, hummmm I wonder what that means. Then fast forward to being at my brothers house Saturday evening. He says to everyone there that having another kid would be open for discussion. That got me really thinking. So the whole way home and while we were at the house and on our way to the bar we talked about it. Not to mention while at the bar talking about it. His stance is he knows how close him and his sister Christy were growing up, he knows how close Ashley and I are even now, he sees how close Zane and Zoei are so he wants that for Zeelynn. Zane and Zoei are 22 months apart and then there is 7 years between Zoei and Zeelynn. He wants to have another baby sometime within the next year so that Zeelynn and (Zachary) (or input another girl Z name with 7 letters) with be 2 years apart. So it looks like I will be getting my iud taken out in the next couple of months... CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
4 kids....OH JESUS!

About Me

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Welcome to the wonderful life of me! I am married to my best friend, my soul mate, my right hand man, the love of my life and we have been blessed with 3 beautiful Z kiddos. Jeramy and I have known each other since we were 14 &16, and have been married for 5 years. He is in the Army and I get to be a stay at home mommy :) We have had our ups and downs, life hasn't always been peaches and cream, but we are blessed!