Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Reflections on almost a year apart.....Man I don't know where to begin. It has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. There have been some pretty big high's and way too may lows. There was a lot of learning just how fragile I can be, but at the same time how strong I am. I learned that no matter how far away I am from being an addict, that it can turn and show it's ugly head when I least expect it. I drank this year... I mean DRANK! More than I ever have in my whole life. Didn't realize how far into it I was until I tried to slow it down. Felt the "need" for it, to help cope with life. Being the only one here and dealing with everything that was left behind while he went away for 9 months was .... an ass kicking. Did I do it, yes, did we survive it, yes, am I capable of doing it again, yes... it's the life that was chosen and I'm along for the ride 100%. Doesn't mean it didn't suck, doesn't mean that there were days/night where I did nothing but sleep, there were days in a row I would go without taking a shower simply because I couldn't make myself. The depression part of Deployment SUCKS!!! It wasn't all bad, there were many days that I would go through and then at the end right before falling asleep I would think, today wasn't bad, I got this. It's a roller coaster ride of emotions and feelings, victories and hardships with an out come of totally believing in yourself. The saying that you don't really know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.... understood completely!!
Totally nervous about my husband coming home. As excited as I am, the what if's, the self doubt, the questioning they all coming bubbling up to the surface. I know how much I've changed, but how much as he changed? I'm so use to doing anything and everything, will I be able to "step down" as the queen of the house and allow him to be a father/husband... and if I can, will he help? will he step up? Is it going to be awkward between us... yes we have a history that spans over 16 years, yes we have been married/back together for 8 years (almost 9) but will it be weird?
On top of all of the emotions and feelings that come along with a soldier coming home, we are moving to Houston... 300 miles away from everyone and everything I know. So you have the stress of finding a new normal within the family, reestablishing roles compacted with moving. He will come home, a few days after that we are going to Houston to finalize his contract and look at houses (hopefully the one that I've been looking at pans out) well come home have Christmas, New Years and then move. All within a little over two weeks. Whirlwind is an understatement....

About Me

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Welcome to the wonderful life of me! I am married to my best friend, my soul mate, my right hand man, the love of my life and we have been blessed with 3 beautiful Z kiddos. Jeramy and I have known each other since we were 14 &16, and have been married for 5 years. He is in the Army and I get to be a stay at home mommy :) We have had our ups and downs, life hasn't always been peaches and cream, but we are blessed!